I haven’t written anything for the last few days. It was my Mom’s birthday on the 17th April, she would have been 74. It’s the first birthday that she’s not been here, and a reminder that it was just after her birthday last year that she developed Pneumonia and deteriorated, before passing away in May.
I thought I was fine! Really I did. I saw my friend in the morning and then we went out with my Dad for a meal on the night. We were able to talk and laugh about Mom, it was a lovely night. I thought I’d dealt with it really well….until the next day. I felt like I’d been hit by a bus!!!! I hadn’t got the energy or drive to even get dressed. I had showered but didn’t get much further than that. I have to say that the day was spent sleeping and resting on my bed, I felt that I just couldn’t do anything. I have not felt like that before – normally I at least get showered and dressed every day. It was vile, a horrible experience. My counsellor told me this week that around the time of anniversaries “your body remembers” and mine sure did. The way I felt floored me, totally.
At times it feels that this is never ending. I really can’t see how I can ever feel better. This whole experience has changed me as a person. I just can’t cope with things the way I did before. My whole sense of who I am has changed. I thought I was strong, someone who coped, who was organised and methodical….it all seems to have gone now. Now I’m someone who would happily lay in bed for most of the day, can’t seem to establish a routine, struggles to stick to any plan and is falling behind in every area of my life. I just can’t seem to achieve anything, feel like a failure and am desperate for things to go back to normal. I know it takes time…..I guess I’m very impatient and have high expectations of myself. It’s very frustrating when you just can’t sort yourself out.
However, I’m back with the gratitude posts. 3 things I’m grateful for today:
- Our tree has the most gorgeous blossom.
- Catching up with an old friend, who very definitely understands where I’m at and reassures me that it will change.
- Eating out, meaning no need to cook!
I hope you all have a lovely Bank Holiday weekend x