Today I had to complete something that I have been absolutely dreading and totally avoiding for the last 2 weeks. I had my first counselling session 2 weeks ago, and my homework was to write a letter to my Mum, before my next session. Being asked to do this filled me with anxiety, scared and upset me. How could I possibly find the words? How would I know what to say??? I have done everything but get started on it, but felt that I just had to face it today. My second appointment is tomorrow morning.
So I grabbed a box of tissues, my favourite journal and pen, and tried to make a start. Initially, just the mere act of writing ‘Dear Mom’ (we’re in Birmingham and say Mom not Mum here!) caused the tears to come. I sat for around 10 minutes, just looking at those words and then just put pen to paper and made a start. Once I got going, it flowed and came out so naturally. I cried a lot, talked about feeling guilty about some of what happened, and feelings of loss and abandonment. It came out fairly randomly and in no particular order, but I figured that was OK and that she wouldn’t mind.
I could have kept writing, I felt that there was so much that I wanted to say to her. I haven’t felt that she’s been there for me to “talk” to as a lot of people seem to find so helpful. I haven’t felt her around me at all. Today, I got a sense of talking to her, and her encouraging me to move forward and keep writing. That might sound totally irrational, but I almost felt her advising me to go a certain way. The nights that I have journaled about her, and how I’ve been feeling, have resulted in the best nights sleep in years…..I need to learn from this and use it daily, as a coping mechanism. It is a way of letting out all of the thoughts and feelings that I just can’t openly talk about. I don’t yet understand why I can’t express them verbally in the same way, maybe that will come through the counselling, or maybe the written word is just my ‘way.’
I had a real sense of feeling lighter once I’d done it. It’s not the end though, and is in no way finished, because I’ve realised I have a lot more to say and am looking forward to talking to her again. I was scared, scared that I’d break down and just go to pieces and wouldn’t be able to handle how I felt. On the contrary, it turned out to be a very cathartic process, and I actually enjoyed chatting to her and telling her whatever was in my head. I felt no connection to her until today, but today I felt that she was there, listening to and reading what I was writing. God I miss her so much.
It’s her birthday on Wednesday, so today I bought some tulips, which were her favourite flowers. I have no idea how I’m going to be, but I now feel I have an outlet for my feelings in writing, and it feels positive. The most positive I’ve felt in a long time.
Grief is so hard. I had no clue how it would totally overwhelm me, making me feel like a jigsaw that, no matter how I tried, I just couldn’t put the pieces back together to complete. I don’t feel complete yet, not by a long shot, but I hope that this can be the start of my recovery and journey back to health and happiness.