Bereavement, Gratitude, Simple life

The rollercoaster continues…

I know, I know…..I haven’t been keeping up!!  Am beginning to realise that daily posting is quite ambitious considering my brain doesn’t exactly function from 5pm onwards.  I’ve had some really good days, feeling super-motivated and getting a lot done, feeling quite positive and clear.  That was until Monday, when I went to an Occupational Health appointment, expecting it to just be an assessment.  Turns out it was the start of counselling!!  I wasn’t really expecting to have to talk too much about what’s happened so it was a bit of shock.  Naturally it was very emotional and difficult, even though I realise it is something I have to do.  My homework before my next session is to write a letter to my Mum…..the mere mention of that sends me into panic mode, I find the idea daunting and scary.  Why scary??  It’s mad that this would send me into such panic.  However, bearing in mind that I recognise I’m in denial….I suppose this is the first step towards acknowledging that she’s no longer here.

Since then, I’ve been physically exhausted and have been sleeping a lot.  At the moment it feels like a never-ending cycle……just when I start to feel better, it all comes crashing down again as if to remind me that it’s not done with me yet.  I know I’m learning lessons throughout this whole thing, but I wish I could speed them up and avoid the painful stuff that I know is coming.

I’ve also been thinking a little more about the future and what potentially might need to change.  I know that the job that I do is not helping me, the counsellor said I was suffering from compassion fatigue…..which makes total sense to me.  So I’m thinking about what else I could do and one thing I do love is writing.  I enjoy writing this blog, more for me than anyone else.  I’m thinking about starting a new blog, where I can write about particular issues and ideas and maybe that might lead me down a different path, who knows??

I’ve been listening to podcasts and looking into ideas around the growth mindset versus a fixed mindset.   I totally recognise that I have always had a fixed mindset, that if I’m not good at something, then I don’t do it and there’s no point in trying.  I’m beginning to realise that I can work towards things, taking small steps, and building on those daily.  So today I have started a course on Skillshare  about starting a blog and the different steps and stages involved if you want it to be successful.  It’s all a bit daunting and there’s a lot to think about, but I’m just going to do a bit every day and see where it takes me.  If anyone has any suggestions or advice to offer, I’d be very grateful!!

Whatever I do, I shall continue with this blog…as I find it helpful for me and it’s helping me to keep track of where I’m at.  I’m also intending to restart the decluttering process and trying to simplify my life….as was the original aim of this blog.  Obviously it’s not been a priority up to now, but I am feeling ready to work on it again…..will try and come up with some sort of plan!

3 things I’m grateful for today:

  1. That I am physically healthy.
  2. YouTube and the amount of information and learning that you can find on there.
  3. My daughter is happy with her friends after a bit of a meltdown yesterday.




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