I’ve had a bit of a realisation today, through talking with one of my friends about all the stuff going round in my head, that I am fundamentally using avoidance to cope at the moment. I avoid staying in the house all day, because when I’m at home I feel guilty about all of the things I’m currently “not doing.” So if I’m out and seeing people, I have a good reason as to why I’m not doing things, rather than accepting that I just don’t have the energy or motivation I used to.
I avoid talking, and this might sound awful…even thinking about my Mom (yes, I’m from Birmingham…we say Mom here.) It’s too hard. To think about the relationship that we had, the woman she was before she was ill and the fact that she’s not here anymore is just too much to contemplate. I know that grief is a process, that it doesn’t really follow set pattern, no matter what the experts say, and that it means adjusting to a new life without your loved one in it. It’s so hard…..I worry that if I let myself go there, I will totally collapse. At the moment, I’m kind of holding things together, in a fashion, and can function at a certain level. If I allow the grief to hit I’m seriously concerned that things will just get worse and I won’t be able to get back from that. I need to get in touch with Cruse again. Their waiting list in this area is 5-6 months, but I should get myself on the list…..maybe by then I’ll actually be able to do some work on it.
So yes, distraction and avoidance are my current coping skills….probably not the best plan but at the moment, it’s all I feel I can do. I intend to stay at home more next week, rest more and try to get some tasks done…maybe that will help me to feel better about things.
Exhaustion continues….actually had a better sleep last night but I need a lot more nights like that before I think it’ll have any real effect. I wish I could sort myself out….I hate this!!
3 things I’m grateful for…
- Good friends who don’t judge me and help me to see a different perspective