I was browsing YouTube…looking for answers, as you do….to help me understand what I’m feeling and what I can do to get better. I was watching this clip from Super Soul Sunday when Brene Brown was talking to Oprah about Perfectionism and it hit me….that’s ME!!! I then searched and found this video that totally spoke to me. It felt like Dr Keith was talking about me! It really helped me to think about different things that might be contributing to the negative thoughts and depression.
I have always been a perfectionist…..for as long as I can remember. I can’t take compliments, dismiss them as people just being nice because they feel sorry for me, or that they’re even lying just to make me feel better. It’s stopped me going for job interviews, in case I fail….because I couldn’t stand that. My work takes me longer, as I feel it has to be done to a certain standard in order for it to be right, despite being told that I’m good at my job. Being a perfectionist makes me criticise myself constantly, that what I’ve achieved is never good enough, no matter what it is. I always focus on the one thing that I haven’t achieved, rather than all the other things that I did!
Since I’ve lost my Mum, my whole world has been turned upside down because I haven’t been able to function at my normal level and to my normal standard. This has very much contributed to the depression. Plus, I’m a mental health nurse with 25 years experience….I should be able to get through this with ease!!! I feel a failure, because I should be able to manage this. I am the one that sorts everything for both myself, my family and others, I care for people and am generally someone who gets things done. This period of my life is teaching me some lessons, which maybe I’ve needed to learn for a long time. One lesson is that I hate the word ‘should‘…..think it needs to be banned!!
So it’s been a reflective day overall. I also managed to take our dog for a walk, despite the wind and rain.
Then I did less interesting things such as cleaning the lounge and doing some washing and ironing, but it felt good!! I am unbelievably still awake at 9.50pm…..that’s some achievement in itself.
3 things I’m grateful for today:
- Our dog…..she’s funny, loving and so cute…a real bonus to the family.
- Drinking tea…..it solves so many issues.
- Hubby cooked dinner, and it was lovely!
I have ordered ‘Overcoming Perfectionism’ by Roz Shafran, Sarah Egan and Tracey Wade. I’m always so hard on myself and worry so much about what others think of me….time to do some work in that area I think.
Will update tomorrow…..