Gratitude, Personal Development

Where to even begin?

I’m struggling, and have been for a good while.  Not prepared to admit defeat though, I carried on working, gradually becoming more and more exhausted as the weeks progressed.  In the end my GP told me that he believed I wasn’t fit enough to do my job and signed me off work.  Now I don’t ‘do’ sick leave…..it was instilled in me from a young age that, unless you’re really dying, you keep going.  I tried to argue that I was OK and could manage, but my GP was clear….I am not currently fit to do my job.

So now I’m off sick, exhausted and low.  I’m quiet, wanting to avoid people but forcing myself not to as I know it’s unhelpful.  I’m spending some time with people and some time alone.  I know I need to exercise but find the thought of it just draining.  I have had an increase in my medication, but am really not feeling any benefit.  I’m trying to read loads of self-help books, hoping that one of them has the answer for me, but then I don’t follow through with the advice anyway!  I feel totally overwhelmed and frustrated by the situation that I’m in.  I’m worried it’s never going to improve!!  I thought that blogging regularly might help me, to try and make sense as to what is going on and how I can begin to move forward.

I am aware that my depression is complicated by grief, which I know I haven’t dealt with at all.  I have contacted Cruse for bereavement counselling, but there is around a 6 month wait.  It’s also potentially affected by my age and the wonderful “perimenopause.”  What a joy it is to be female!

I hate that my sleep is awful and has been for around 4 years.  How can I ever expect to have energy when I just don’t sleep properly.  I think a new bedtime routine is called for, and that is the first thing I’m going to try and implement.  My plan so far is:

  • Bath or shower
  • Meditation
  • Read
  • Sleep

I know I have to cut down my time online and on my phone, and these are both things that I am much more aware of now and keen to reduce.  Tonight, I’m also going to use a face mask….as my little treat for the day.

So I shall try to blog daily.  To keep me accountable and to also force me to keep track of how I am.  It’s very easy to avoid thinking about it/dealing with it, and I know that has the potential to just make things worse!!!  I also intend to post 3 things I’m grateful for each day, as I know that this is helpful but forget to do it so much of the time.  So here goes:

  1. I am grateful to have wonderful, loving and supportive friends who are there for me no matter what!!
  2. I am grateful for my car and the freedom it gives me.
  3. I am grateful that my Dad came round for dinner this evening and that I still have him in my life.

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