Baby steps….

Very proud of myself today as I actually got up and did a yoga workout at home this morning!!  OK it was a beginner’s workout…but I don’t care…it counts!! I need to get into the habit of doing it daily, or at least 4 days out of 7.  I did feel better for doing it, and certainly think it’s something I will try to stick at.

Have a GP appointment this week, and have been trying to decide what to do.  I think I’ve decided that I want to come off the Fluoxetine that I am currently on, and maybe try something else.  I fear it may be the Fluoxetine that is causing the exhaustion.  I seem to remember that I felt like that when I started Sertraline, and had to stop it.  Both of these tablets are SSRI’s, and I just don’t think they suit me!!  It has certainly got worse over the last few months that I’ve been on Fluoxetine……it was never meant to be used as an Anti-Depressant for me, I went on it to help me to wean off Venlafaxine.  I’d tried unsuccessfully to come off that for a long time, but really, really struggled with withdrawal syndrome.  Introducing Fluoxetine worked…..I haven’t had Venlafaxine in months, but I am now left with another problem which is probably more debilitating.  Will it ever end???

My ideal course of action would be to come off Anti-Depressants altogether, to try and manage it through self-care and talking.  However, I know from experience that if I stop taking it, my mood will deteriorate further within 1-2 weeks.  It’s a horrible situation to be in.  I can’t stop medication altogether because I am working towards getting back to work asap, and I know things will get worse if I have nothing.  However, I would like to know how I feel….without medication!!  It’s tricky, and I won’t do anything without discussing it with my GP first.  I’ll have to see what happens.

Certainly food for thought anyway.

3 things I’m grateful for today:

  1. Cuppa and a catch-up with a good friend.
  2. That my children generally get on well, they rarely have few fights or fall out.
  3. Spring…somehow makes everything feel better!

 

A start….

So I did it – managed to get myself up and ready in time for a 90 minute yoga class!  I really enjoyed it, and it certainly helped me to feel more relaxed.  I realise that when I can’t do something straight away or easily, I can feel that I’ve failed and that I might as well just give up!  What I really need to do, of course, is accept that I’m not going to be able to do it all straight away, and that it’s a learning process.  The instructor was lovely in relation to the one particular move that I couldn’t do, she showed some alternatives and ‘starter’ moves which were totally do-able!!  I plan to do some yoga daily at home, I know there’s loads of YouTube videos available.

Have also done another positive thing, and have finally got myself on the waiting list for bereavement counselling.  I know that I’m stuck at the moment in the denial/distraction phase….just trying to get back on with my life as normal, but it’s not happening!!  The woman I spoke to was lovely and what she said totally made sense to me.  She basically said that I haven’t felt the pain of the grief yet and that I’m doing anything I can to avoid sitting down and thinking about it.  She advised that I most likely needed a few sessions just to open up and cry……which scares me, but I know she’s right.  I realise now that I need to feel the emotions of losing my Mum, she was my best friend and the one person I could rely on, that was always there for me, often knowing what I needed before I did!  Nothing feels the same any more.  I know I need to adjust to life without her in it, but I just feel stuck currently.

Anyway I see accepting that, and finally making the call to Cruse, as a positive step forward.  I need to take things day by day, baby-steps.

3 things I’m grateful for today:

  1. Feeling relaxed and present in the yoga class.
  2. A lemon muffin.
  3. Sunshine and blue skies.

Time for a rethink…

OK, so I am not prepared to keep going on like this.  Things have to change.  If I don’t make some significant changes in my daily routine, I can see me still complaining about the same issues in a year’s time.  The only person that can do it is me, no one else, and I’ve got to stop looking to other people for the answers!!

So I googled the best exercises when suffering with fatigue, and yoga came up pretty high on the list in a number of different articles.  I did yoga last year for 3 months and found it very helpful and relaxing.  So I figured I’d give it another go.  At the moment I’ve still got a gym membership so have booked into a class tomorrow morning!  I’m posting it on here to make me accountable, as I will have to post an update tomorrow.  Also, the class is at 9.30am which is going to force me out of bed early!!!  I know tomorrow morning I will be annoyed with myself for booking it, and desperate not to go, but I have to.  I have to make changes.  So it starts here….not going to rush at it and over-do it, because I won’t keep it up.  Slow and steady.

balance body exercise female

Photo by Burst on Pexels.com

3 things I’m grateful for today…

  1. It’s Spring….and it was a gorgeously sunny day!
  2. A long walk with the dog in the sunshine
  3. An afternoon nap.

Tiredness is winning……..

OK, so I just wrote a long post and somehow managed to delete the lot!!  This is not good.  I didn’t post yesterday due to feeling so exhausted, and don’t feel much better today.  So I’m afraid I’m keeping this short and sweet….because I’m fed up of myself and how I feel currently.

After having some discussions with various friends, I’ve decided I’m going to ask the GP to do blood tests (again) to rule out any possible physical causes for the exhaustion.  Once you have a mental health diagnosis of any kind, I know that everything you endure starts to be attributed to it, as though it’s impossible that there could be any physical health issues going on.  If the tests all come back ok, then I need to accept that this is because of depression and grief, and that it is going to take time to resolve.  At the moment I can’t quite accept that, and still crave a quick fix to make me feel better.

3 things I’m grateful for today:

  1. Coin paying-in machines in my bank….saves having to count it and bag it up!!  Gets paid straight into your account…bonus!!
  2. My daughter offering to do some cleaning….OK she wants to be paid, but I’m more than happy to do that currently.
  3. My bed

Sorry it’s so brief and I have nothing to really say.  Think I might have to type blog posts in the mornings rather than evenings for a bit…I’m good for nothing at this time.

Planning and prep….

So for me, Sunday has always been the day I like to look forward to the week ahead, to clarify what I need to get done and come up with some kind of plan for achieving it.  I was always very organised and this worked well.  Needless to say it’s a work in progress currently.  Whilst I can make all the plans I want, To-Do lists galore….I find it really hard to motivate myself to stick to them and to actually carry them through and get stuff done.

I tend to follow David Allen’s GTD system as a way of keeping track of everything that I’m thinking about, dealing with, planning to do , need to do etc.  I’ve found the ‘brain dumps’ one of the most helpful elements of the system, and also writing things down as soon as you think about it….if you think you’ll remember to do it later….you’re kidding yourself!!!  At the moment my head is quite fuddled, coupled with lack of motivation and energy, it’s tough.  Lists and notes are really helpful, if you remember to look at them of course!!  As you’ve probably guessed, I don’t get it all done…but am accepting that I just can’t any more.  I’m not superwoman, or perfect and I’ll do the best I can for now…I have no other choice.

Reflecting back on how I’ve lived up to becoming unwell, I tried to fit too much into every day, set expectations of myself that were unrealistic and unachievable.  I almost feel that this needed to happen…to help me see a different way of being.  Yes I have many lists of things ‘to do’  but all I can do is to prioritise the best I can, schedule the tasks into my calendar ensuring I allow more than enough time to achieve each task, whilst setting reminders and notifications for myself along the way.  I figured if my brain isn’t working at 100% capacity, then I need to use the tools I have available to help me!!

Has anyone else got any suggestions for getting things done when you’re dealing with lack of energy and motivation??

3 things I’m grateful for today:

  1. The website Skillshare….who knew how useful that would be? I’m enjoying learning how to do different things, hoping that this might help me with my future goal.
  2. An understanding hubby who didn’t go mad when we realised the extent of my notebook addiction!!
  3. A lovely meal that my hubby cooked tonight.

 

Happy Saturday….

OK so today was a much better day.  I made myself get up and organised on time!  That must be the first Saturday in months that we’ve arrived at my daughter’s trampolining early, with coffee in hand!!  Felt quite impressed with myself .  The stress of constantly being disorganised and running late, for me, has been tough.  It’s so much nicer to feel relaxed and have time to spare.

It was a girlie day today, hubby and lads were off at the football.  We watched a film, ate chocolate and had a lovely time together.  I also managed to get some tasks done from my To-Do list..amazingly.

I’m working on prioritising tasks, I know that I can’t do it all.  Have been trying the  Eisenhower Matrix  as a way of trying to prioritise what I do each day.  Unfortunately, I’m still trying to work my way through the ‘URGENT’ tasks….but I’ll get there eventually.

I have some thoughts about personal/career goals and now just need a plan and to set some time aside to move forward on these.  I’m quite excited at the thought of it really.  What I’d love ultimately is to work for myself.  I have no idea if it’ll happen, but I’m going to start working towards it.  I’ve realised that my job, as much as I love it, is just taking too much out of me.  I’ve a two day workshop booked up in May, looking at a potential change of career, but more than anything, I just want to try new things, meet new people and learn new skills.

I’ve worked a Nurse for 24 years….but the demands and expectations are far exceeding what is realistically possible, and it’s hard.  It’s hard to feel that you can’t do the job that you want to do and were trained to do, due to lack of resources and the overwhelming amount of administration that the job now entails.  Working directly with patients is absolutely fantastic and can be so rewarding, it’s just a shame that staff aren’t supported and so many of us are already in burnout, depressed or anxious.  I never even considered the possibility that I could give up nursing, until the last 2-3 years.  It’s so very sad.

So I’ll make a start on some new goals, and maybe might even open up about them here, at some point.   For now they’re just dreams……so I need a good plan to get moving in the right direction.  Wish me luck…

3 things I’m grateful for today:

  1. Blossom is now coming out on the trees….so beautiful.
  2. Having some energy.
  3. Time with my daughter.

 

 

It’s Friday!!

The end of another week and it feels like I’ve not made any progress.  I feel just as tired and exhausted as I did last week and the week before that!  I know I had a couple of really good days, but I haven’t been able to identify why they occurred or why they’re gone!  It’s a very frustrating time….I just want to be like I used to be.  I currently don’t really have a plan as to how I’m going to get there.  I do know that I’ve been out a lot and not particularly been resting, but then I find it helpful to be around people too, rather than on my own.  It’s difficult, but I think I’m going to have to cut back on the outings and force myself to rest at home more.

My lack of motivation makes things even more of a struggle, I know I beat myself up a bit about what I’m not doing, but it’s hard when you’re someone who is normally organised and up to date with things.  It all just makes me feel like a failure.

So part of this weekend will be spent coming up with a bit of a plan for the next week….I know my sleep is something I have to work on….and a bedtime routine is needed I think.  That’s the first thing I need to work on!  Staying off my phone and laptop later in the evening is going to be the hardest habit to break – but I know it’s essential.  Tomorrow I’ll post my plan.

3 things I’m grateful for today:

  1. My hairdresser – once you find a really good one you don’t want to lose them!
  2. My daughter being at senior school, which means she goes to school on the bus and I no longer have to do the school run!
  3. Headspace and time to think.