The power of writing….

Today I had to complete something that I have been absolutely dreading and totally avoiding for the last 2 weeks.  I had my first counselling session 2 weeks ago, and my homework was to write a letter to my Mum, before my next session.  Being asked to do this filled me with anxiety, scared and upset me.  How could I possibly find the words?  How would I know what to say???  I have done everything but get started on it, but felt that I just had to face it today.  My second appointment is tomorrow morning.

So I grabbed a box of tissues, my favourite journal and pen, and tried to make a start.  Initially, just the mere act of writing ‘Dear Mom’ (we’re in Birmingham and say Mom not Mum here!) caused the tears to come.  I sat for around 10 minutes, just looking at those words and then just put pen to paper and made a start.  Once I got going, it flowed and came out so naturally.  I cried a lot, talked about feeling guilty about some of what happened, and feelings of loss and abandonment.  It came out fairly randomly and in no particular order, but I figured that was OK and that she wouldn’t mind.

I could have kept writing, I felt that there was so much that I wanted to say to her.  I haven’t felt that she’s been there for me to “talk” to as a lot of people seem to find so helpful.  I haven’t felt her around me at all.  Today, I got a sense of talking to her, and her encouraging me to move forward and keep writing.  That might sound totally irrational, but I almost felt her advising me to go a certain way.  The nights that I have journaled about her, and how I’ve been feeling, have resulted in the best nights sleep in years…..I need to learn from this and use it daily, as a coping mechanism.  It is a way of letting out all of the thoughts and feelings that I just can’t openly talk about.  I don’t yet understand why I can’t express them verbally in the same way, maybe that will come through the counselling, or maybe the written word is just my ‘way.’

I had a real sense of feeling lighter once I’d done it.  It’s not the end though, and is in no way finished, because I’ve realised I have a lot more to say and am looking forward to talking to her again.   I was scared, scared that I’d break down and just go to pieces and wouldn’t be able to handle how I felt.  On the contrary, it turned out to be a very cathartic process, and I actually enjoyed chatting to her and telling her whatever was in my head.  I felt no connection to her until today, but today I felt that she was there, listening to and reading what I was writing.  God I miss her so much.

It’s her birthday on Wednesday, so today I bought some tulips, which were her favourite flowers.  I have no idea how I’m going to be, but I now feel I have an outlet for my feelings in writing, and it feels positive.  The most positive I’ve felt in a long time.

Grief is so hard.  I had no clue how it would totally overwhelm me, making me feel like a jigsaw that, no matter how I tried, I just couldn’t put the pieces back together to complete.  I don’t feel complete yet, not by a long shot, but I hope that this can be the start of my recovery and journey back to health and happiness.

bloom blooming blossom blur

Photo by Brigitte Tohm on Pexels.com

 

 

Back into simplifying…

The dream to simplify my life was the original reason I started this blog.  Things have been all over the place for the last year and a half, and it’s only now that I’ve started to get back on board with it.  I think I’ve gained a lot of inspiration from The Minimal Mom , whose approach I love.   She demonstrates that families can live simply and minimally, without it being too over the top.  I know now that a more simple lifestyle is going to help me to manage to stay well in the future, and I’m trying to do what I can to get myself there.

Have felt as though I’ve had a super successful weekend, not only in terms of decluttering and sorting, but also in regards to getting back on top of ‘the house.’  I admit that whilst I’ve been feeling so dreadful, things have slipped and it’s been getting me down even more.  This weekend has allowed me to begin to declutter, take some items to the tip and charity shop, finally sort out my books and find them a permanent home and even to sort out my huge collection of notebooks!!  (I seriously can’t admit how many I actually have…it’s insane!)  I have decided that the notebooks I haven’t even written in are going to be donated (some to my friend and her girls) or to the charity shop.  The rest I will try to use up over the coming months….as I now feel quite confident that I will not be buying any more.  Have finally realised that buying stationery only makes me feel better for a very short while…..it’s not the answer!

So my new simple approach – use a small diary that can stay in my bag, for appointment dates etc.  These dates are put into my Google calendar but I somehow find it easier to see the week/month at a glance when I’m trying to arrange things.  I have one notebook, a slim one, that I will note everything else in.  I suppose it will be like a bullet journal really.  For so long I’ve been chopping and changing between notebooks, diaries and systems, and it needs to stop!  I find I’m constantly having to transfer information from one to the other, keep them tidy and not all over my bedroom floor, try and find the right one, and then lose information in the process.  I want it to be simple and straightforward, but work well for me.  So my current set-up looks like this:

  • Small diary
  • Slim notebook (dotted pages….I like those best)
  • One journal
  • One book for morning pages…..if I ever am up early enough to be able to do them.

That still might not sound very simple for most people, but for me that’s a huge improvement.  The diary and notebook are small and light, so won’t take up much space in my bag either, which is helpful.  The journal and morning pages books will stay at home.

I have to sat that I was so impressed with by daughter too this weekend, she agreed to look to go through her clothes, as we plan to decorate her room next week.  She only has a tiny box room…..but managed to get rid of 5 bags which have gone to the charity shop.  I encouraged her to think about whether she felt good in the clothes, whether she liked them and whether she would ever wear them again!!  She did brilliantly…..I’m really hoping that this will help her in the future to not get too attached to possessions.  She was hesitating at first about items that we had bought her….but I told her that It doesn’t matter and that if they’re no longer suitable, then I am happy for her to get rid of them.  It can be hard seeing clothes that you’ve bought, and they’ve barely worn, being cleared out but I had to remind myself that she’s not wearing them anyway and they’re just taking up valuable space!!

I’ll try and update with some photos tomorrow of our progress so far…..it’s going to be a long journey….but I feel I’ve made a great start and am looking forward to carrying on.

Right…you’ll have to excuse me as ‘Line of Duty‘ is about to start……the only TV programme I religiously watch!  Just love it and it’s the perfect end to a good weekend xx

Gratitude Journal 12 & 13.4.19

Yesterday I was just so exhausted that I was in bed at 5pm!!  Hence no gratitude post, so I thought I’d do a combined one today.

12.3.19

3 Things I’m grateful for:

  1. My Dad’s cheese on toast.
  2. My bed when I’m exhausted.
  3. Good friends who make me laugh.

13.4.19

3 things I’m grateful for today:

  1. My hubby and son, for washing and cleaning my car.
  2. My daughter recognising that she can get rid of things that she doesn’t really love.
  3. A visit from my sister and niece, and some laughs.